Coping with unhealthy perfectionism
Perfectionists strive to never make mistakes. Excellence is striving high but offering yourself grace for mistakes made and things you don’t know yet. ―Sharon Martin
👥 Serves: 1 person
🎚 Difficulty: Hard
⏳ Total time: 11-30 minutes
🥣 Ingredients: A quiet place with no distractions, an open mind, and an open heart
🤓 Wholebeing Domains: Accomplishments, Liberatory Learning, Positive Emotion
💪 Wholebeing Skills: Abundance, Affirmation, Contentment, Humility, Liberation, Ordinariness, Reframing
Coping with unhealthy perfectionism
📝 Description
Understanding and dealing with unhealthy perfectionism.
Our logical mind tells us that there is no such thing as perfect: no perfect person, no perfect place, no perfect thing. And yet, many people strive for perfectionism. Perfectionism is a rather intricate concept. People strive for perfectionism as the systems in place in society reward flawlessness. For example, education rewards high score results; sports have iconic competitions such as the Olympics; workers who put in the right hours will be rewarded with promotions, social success, impressive wealth, and so on. Competition, like perfectionism, can be healthy or unhealthy. Let’s take a closer look.
There are two types of perfectionism: maladaptive or intrinsic.
- Intrinsic perfectionists are people who hold themselves, and their work, to a high standard. They healthily push themselves to perform to a high level from a desire to make themselves proud. They work towards goals that are realistic and tangible and can motivate themselves through action and effort. Healthy perfectionists are able to disassociate a loss as merely a setback – not because they are bad people or failures – and continue working towards their goal(s) with a new lesson in tow.
- Things become problematic with maladaptive perfectionism. People with this mindset set unrealistically high goals, sometimes so extreme that they are impossible. When a goal is unachievable, the rate of “failure” is simply inevitable – which can crush someone who has a maladaptive perfectionism mindset. It usually leads them to take an extreme approach rather than learn a lesson from it, either completely avoiding the goal or continuing to try harder and more intensely, which can lead to burnout, depression, and defeat. People with this mindset often experience high stress and anxiety and feel that they are not good enough, and do not meet expectations.
Perfectionistic endeavours are humanistic and normal and can be positive — as long as you focus on doing your best, celebrating when you reach your goals, and don’t allow your world to crumble at a loss.
This recipe has been inspired by the work of Joachim Stoeber, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Kent and Kathleen Otto, a Professor of Psychology at the University of Leipzig as well as the work of Dr Jessica Rohlfing Pryor, Psychologist and researcher at Northwestern University. It has been adapted by our wellbeing content writer collaborator Marissa Del Mistro.
👣 Steps
Step 1 – Do you have maladaptive perfectionist tendencies? (20’)
In your quiet space, and from a space of zero judgement to yourself, reflect on the following questions* created by Dr Jessica Pryor:
- Do you worry about what others will think if they saw who you really are?
- Do you feel as though the better you do, the better you are expected to do?
- Do you put off starting or finishing projects, wanting to get them just right?
- Do you find that you are never satisfied with your accomplishments?
- Does your family/partner expect you to be perfect?
- Do you push people away in order to avoid rejection?
- Do you feel that something only counts if it’s done perfectly?
- Does failure raise your expectations of yourself even higher?
- Do you “collect” your failures and mistakes in a mental archive?
- Do you feel that others are too demanding of you?
- Are you highly self-critical?
How many questions did you answer yes to? If it’s many, you may be developing (or at least have traits) of maladaptive perfectionism.
*Note these questions are NOT to be seen as a “diagnosis” – they are a practice in reflection and self-awareness.
Step 2 – Coping with maladaptive perfectionism (Ongoing)
If you notice you are putting too much pressure on yourself, you can try the following practices to improve this mindset:
- Avoid “all-or-nothing” thinking. All-or-nothing thinking is a common thinking trap. An easy example of this is: “Why would I even start to clean the house when I know I can’t finish the whole thing?!” When a more realistic mindset would be: “I have time to clean the bedroom and kitchen, the other rooms can wait”. Look for the in-between option. A useful practice to find the middle ground is our recipe “Drop the to-do list guilt”.
- Journaling. Try journaling to acknowledge and quieten that nagging voice at the back of your mind that tells you that you are a failure or aren’t good enough.
- Break down tasks. Procrastination is a very common trait for people with a maladaptive perfectionism mindset. Try to overcome this tendency by doing “habit bundling” – the practice of doing something you don’t want to (e.g. a work presentation, course readings, etc.) with something indulgent that makes you happy (e.g. listening to your favourite podcast, or having your favourite snack). It is also helpful to break your day into priorities and write down to-do lists and actively cross off tasks. For a “different” approach to to-do lists, check out our recipe “Done list”. You may also benefit from reading the bookProcrastination by Jane Burka and Lenora M Yuen.
- Praise yourself. It is good to acknowledge yourself in ways that aren’t directly related to something quantifiable you did. For example, writing or expressing a loud, “I am a good friend”, or “I am loveable”, or “I am courageous”. This is especially important for parents who want to raise a child who develops intrinsic perfectionism rather than unhealthy perfectionism. For example, rather than telling your child, “This story you wrote is perfect, you are so smart”, you can say, “This story you wrote is so interesting, tell me more about these characters and what inspired them!” Instead of, “You must win your race today,”try, “Go out there and do what you practised – just be sure to have a lot of fun!”
- Speak to someone. If your maladaptive perfectionism is resulting in increased stress, depression, or anxiety, you may benefit from seeking therapy such as cognitive behavioural therapy which focuses on breaking negative thought processes and/or talking therapy.
- Acknowledge that perfection is a human construct. There is no such thing as perfect – despite what you may think, see, or have been taught! Check out our recipe “Rethinking rejection” to help you shift your perspective of rejection to boost resilience.